An Indonesian couple watches as Mount Merapi erupts
Credit: Agung Supriyanto/AFP
When Indonesian singer Anissa Rahma was first offered the chance to marry a man she had never met, she admits she had a moment of hesitation.
But his impressive bio, provided by a matchmaking Muslim cleric in her local prayer group, convinced her to join a growing trend where Indonesian singles are shunning casual romance to opt for marriage without dating.
Ms Rahma, 29, told the Telegraph she sometimes argues with her new husband, who is also a singer, over movies but she describes her marriage, as the young couple get to know each other, as “blessed.”
The phenomenon known as “ta’aruf”, or introduction, lies at the heart of an increasingly prevalent message from conservative preachers and social movements in the world’s most populous Muslim country that devout young people should ditch dating to avoid pre-marital temptations.
The concept is gaining traction among singles who are either turning towards religious piety as part of a broader societal trajectory or who are disillusioned with the prospect of fruitless dating.
“This process maintains our honour as women. Without dating, we can get to know each other through exchanging biodata. In fact, it’s better to undergo ta’aruf because we only started dating after officially getting married,” said Ms Rahma.
The popularity of the phenomenon can be seen in the growth of agencies that can process requests for a life partner on a much bigger scale than individual clerics.
A mass wedding in Yogyakarta, Indonesia. Not related to the ta'aruf tradition
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Mahmud Efendi the head of ‘Let’s Ta’aruf’ — an Islamic matchmaking agency dedicated to revealing the “sacred path” to marriage – said business was booming to the point where he had thousands of clients and could not accept any more.
“I don’t want to hire people without sufficient Islamic background, ability to analyse candidates and sincerity in carrying out their duties,” he said, adding “it seems that the awareness of practicing Islam properly is becoming higher among young people.”
Each case takes one to six months, with successfully matched candidates meeting twice in person before being introduced to each other’s parents. A team of “Ta’aruf supervisors” are on hand to vet applicants by cross-checking their details with their friends, family and religious teachers.
While more traditional arranged marriages often see a young couple’s family takes the lead in bringing them together, ta’aruf is a process driven very much by the individuals seeking marriage through more puritanical means.
In 2021 Indonesia, Islamic orthodoxy has been popularised like any other modern trend through the subcultures of memes and Instagram videos inhabited by social media savvy millennials and the younger Generation Z.
The movement has spawned its own brand of influencers who have been propelled to fame and gained millions of followers through their portrayal of blissful marriages that blossomed from a shared faith and values rather than the trials and errors of dating.
A couple on a beach in Aceh at sunset
Credit: Chaideer Mahyuddin/AFP
A movement called Indonesia Tanpa Pacaran, which means “Indonesia Without Dating,” has been a driving force of the practice since it was founded in 2015 by activist La Ode Munafar to warn the nation’s youth about the moral dangers of dating.
The group, which has close to one million followers on Instagram, advocates getting married young and portrays pre-marital relationships as corrupting Western decadence.
It represents a broader shift towards conservative Islam in Indonesia, a Southeast Asian nation of 270 million, which has in recent years seen groups pushing a more hardline Islamist ideology gain a foothold after the collapse of the 1990s Suharto dictatorship which largely suppressed religious expression.
Dr Dina Afrianty, an expert in women’s rights in Muslim societies, at Melbourne’s La Trobe university, said ta’aruf advocates honed in on high schools and university students who were struggling to find their identity, targeting their perception of moral responsibility through a narrow interpretation of the Koran..
She said it perpetuated patriarchal views of women, pushing a view where “the place of women in Islam is that women must not be working outside the home and that the traditional role should be as a good wife, to give birth and then look after the children and let the men do everything.”
Indonesia is the world's most populous Muslim nation
Credit: Chaideer Mahyuddin/AFP
Kyai Haji Sastro Ngatawi, a scholar from Nahdlatul Ulama, the largest Islamic group, said he feared the marriage without dating movement could be hijacked by extremists to promote the spread of a more radical version of Islam.
But he also worried that without responsible dating young couples could come together with an unrealistic view of marriage.
“Married life is not as easy as dating. It contains a lot of complexity. It doesn’t mean that it is not something to enjoy but marriage has to be prepared very thoroughly,” he said.
Mawar Rosalina, 40, who is now divorced with three teenage children learned the hard way.
She pushed for a ta’aruf marriage after embracing religion at university and despite her father’s reservations. But she quickly realised that her husband had viewed her as a “cash cow” because of her parents’ financial stability, and he soon began to cheat on her.
“Ta’aruf isn’t necessarily bad idea. The problem is usually in the biodata where it usually always contains good things but not all of the information is correct,” she said.
“It is much safer to just have normal dating as long as it follows Islamic rules. Ta’aruf is like feeling around in the dark..I have three beautiful children, but I strongly recommend the kids do not do ta’aruf when they want to get married.”
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