Harry Kane didn't say much during this transfer 'saga' Photo: Getty Images/Lillian Suwanrumpha
Last week, a German reporter brought a Bayern Munich shirt with Harry Kane's name to Anzhi Postekoglou's press conference. Call a physiotherapist here, we have a sharp pain in the sides.
Postekoglu was not amused by the famous Teutonic sense of humor, and his mood will not improve if the Manchester Evening News does such tricks, but at least it brought some intrigue into a desperately dry narrative about Kane's transition. It calls for some spice, a good old look, or Eric ten Hag opening a devastating drawer jar on Daniel Levy's fax machine.
This frivolity does not come from Kane himself. In Dear England, starring Joseph Fiennes as Gareth Southgate at the National Theatre, Kane's character is comic relief as a monotonous simpleton, a kind of football version of a talking clock. It seems harsh for England's top scorer and most successful captain since Bobby Moore, but you can see why such a caricature is tempting. For a man so famous, he is extraordinarily incomprehensible. Plus, by using his favorite linking phrase, “yes, no, obviously,” his interview speech keeps the voice-overs from having sleepless nights.
So who is Kane? Fans of Football Manager, a game in which retiring players return as youngsters under a different name of “regens”, surely know. Kane is Alan Shearer's regen. Shearer was a similarly blank canvas in his playing career, known only for goals and raising his hand after scoring them. For Shearer celebrating the title by creosing his fence, it reads for Kane to stay at home in Fortnite drinking tea with two sugars. No title.
There have been a few more hints of Kane's tastes in recent years, mostly on YouTube, where he has appeared on channels your children and grandchildren consider mainstream that you've probably never heard of. A year ago, he joined Eric Dyer and Matt Doherty to rate pizza with the screaming Lord David Portnoy on his One Bite Pizza Reviews channel. This month we had an enjoyable if very, very long 23 minutes of Kane eating increasingly spicy chicken wings on the inexplicably popular Hot Ones. Sample quote: “That's not good.”
Everything is pretty dull that fuels this weirdly low-key summer transfer blockbuster. It's not a saga, it's hardly even a haiku:
Harry Kane will go
Probably to Germany
Yes, no, obviously…< /p>
Many of these elusive trophies are being offered by Bayern Munich, the club that won the recent pre-season friendly 27-0. I wonder at what point does that stop being fun? After about two goals, judging by the completely bleak highlights. Like that game, Kane's [insert new club] lacked narrative direction. A year until the end of the contract, next year free, interest from abroad, a vague feeling that one day it would be nice to play for a club that does not suffer from incurable spontaneity. Good luck with your Amazon Prime documentary.
Meanwhile, Kane spent most of his summer holed up in Joe Lewis' secret hideout in the Bahamas, Tracy Island, where he congregated for desperate attackers. He takes his advice and, as always, gives little away. When in 2021 he seemed destined to move, there was a somewhat rebellious act – he was late for training. This time he does everything right. For Tottenham fans, this is good and respectful behavior. Unfortunately for all of us, with the end of Wimbledon and The Open Championship, and the end of the Ashes as a competition, it's not very exciting.
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