Homegrown hope: May Muller represents the UK at Eurovision. A music competition has arrived at Royaume-Uni. Rejoice, or hide behind the sofa (delete according to taste and tolerance). It has probably not escaped your notice that the UK is hosting the 67th Eurovision Song Contest on behalf of the 2022 winners of Ukraine. So who will score «double points», and who will receive a humiliating «zero»? We've answered 11 key questions about Saturday's Musical Cheese Festival…
Have Scousers accepted Eurovision?
Due to our dismal recent report, this is the first contest held at Blighty in 25 years. The Eurovision fever duly swept the nation, dominating TV and radio programming. The Tuesday and Thursday semi-finals were broadcast on BBC One for the first time. The grand finale is expected to be watched by a whopping 12 million UK viewers, joined by 160 million worldwide. There are a lot of crispy crumbs on many sofas.
As fans flock to Merseyside, the city has been transformed. There is a Eurovillage on the waterfront with food, drink and live music — like Glastonbury without the dirt. On Saturday, it will be rammed by 25,000 flag-waving fans in fancy dress. Cultural events so far have included art exhibitions, an outdoor concert by the English National Opera and a submarine parade through the streets.
The party atmosphere at the M&S Bank Arena has been contagious during this week's semi-finals and should culminate in time for the main event. See it like a Coronation camper. Penny Mordaunt, presumably Pritt, is sticking glitter on her sword as we speak.
Party atmosphere: M&S Bank Arena during the first semi-final Photo: David Rockliffe/Propaganda Will everyone vote for Ukraine?
Quite possibly. Blue and yellow flags are a common sight in Liverpool and 3,000 tickets have been given to Ukrainians living in the UK. Opposition to the Russian invasion and support for the fired upon civilians is still on the rise. The same feeling helped the Ukrainian Kalush Orchestra win last year with their cheeky folk-rap song «Stephania».
In addition, Ukraine quickly established itself as a major Eurovision participant. Since his debut in 2003, he has won three times and placed second twice.
This year's entry, Heart of Steel from electro duo Tvorchi, is likely to score high.
What's in store for Spinal Tap this year?
New songs with a crazy production is the specialty of Eurovision, so there should be a lot of topics for discussion. Austrian dance duo Teya & Salena claims that their song Who the Hell is Edgar? was written by the ghost of Edgar Allen Poe. Alessandra from Norway is the gothic Lady Gaga, whose Queen of Kings fireworks «glorify her life as a bisexual woman.»
Germany opted for glam metal, while Moldova opted for neolithic flutes with dancers in horns.
Fathers include Noah Kirel from Israel (a pocket rocket with powerful Beyoncé-style choreography) and Blanca from Poland (a former model surrounded by dancers). Perhaps the craziest of these are mustache fetish military wear from Croatia and green puff sleeves from Finland reminiscent of the Incredible Hulk dancing flamenco. Now there's a look to work on.
How orange will host Hannah Waddingham be? 
Lead trio: Alyosha Dixon, Yulia Sanina and Hannah Waddingham at the first semi-final. Photo: Peter Byrne/PA Wire
Very. Expect levels of Dancing with the Stars tan. The stately actress Theda Lasso became the undoubted hit of the semi-finals. Along with co-hosts Alyosha Dixon and Julia Sanina, Waddingham completely stole the show with her easy chemistry, smooth patter and willingness to join in on the silly (see her interview with feathered Irish doll Dustin the Turkey).
She even impressed with her powerful a cappella vocals, playing the «air guitar». Forget who wins the competition. The multifaceted Waddingham's career could be a real winner.
Will President Zelensky show up?
Vladimir Zelensky is usually present at the manila opening to garner global support. The Ukrainian leader says he has «great respect» for the UK, but would prefer Slovakia or Poland to make it easier for Ukrainians to attend. This means he won't show up in person, partly for security reasons, but expect to appear via video link.
In any case, there will be a Ukrainian presence on the stage. Co-host Sanina leads the Ukrainian alternative rock band The Hardkiss, while reigning champions Kalush Orchestra will open the show. There could also be a cameo by drag queen Verka Serduchka, the 2007 cult runner-up, when she was completely dressed in tin foil. Mmm, sweaty.
President Zelensky will appear at Eurovision? Credit: APAImages/Shutterstock Remind me why Australia is part of Europe?
Are the flaming gals breaking in? Not really. Eurovision has long been popular in Down Under and was invited to perform at the 60th anniversary of the contest in 2015 and Australia has been taking part ever since. He pays a commission to help fund the event, but is banned from hosting it. If Australia wins, it will nominate a European country to host the contest on its behalf. Whether it could have been us depends on the outcome of the Ashes.
How sarcastic is commentator Graham Norton?
Perhaps a little less than usual due to unusual circumstances. Since Britain is hosting on behalf of Ukraine, he could be a little kinder and less caustic than usual. However, never be afraid. There will be many more opportunities for light mockery of funny foreigners. And with an epic four-hour stream to fill, Norton will need to entertain himself (and us viewers) somehow.
He just needs to heed the advice of his predecessor, Terry Vaughan, whose trick was to never pour his first drink until the ninth act. Listen for a change in tone as Norton does the same. He is a white wine drinker, while Vaughan preferred Baileys Irish cream.
Will the UK be in last place again?
Homegrown budding May Muller, our first female member in five years, with the cheeky meta track I Wrote a Song. Unfortunately, over the past 20 years, the UK has found itself at the bottom five times. However, astronaut Sam Ryder interrupted this bad run by finishing second last time, and so we were invited to take part.
can Mueller get better?
Well, she was born in 1997, the same year we last won with Katrina & a record of Waves Love Shine a Light that could be an omen. Just pray that we don't fall victim to the «curse of the second song.» The second song, performed in the final, did not win. It's a death slot.
Will Catherine Tate be funny?
There has been wild speculation among those who care about such frills as to who will announce the results of the UK national jury. Will it be a Liverpool musician like Paul McCartney (a dream) or Mel C from the Spice Girls (much more believable)? Or just a random celebrity like Nigella Lawson, Mel Giedroytz, Richard Osman or Lorraine Kelly in previous years? show and as Doctor Who companion Donna Noble. Will she do it as foul-mouthed Nan (“What a fucking freedom!”) or sullen schoolgirl Lauren (“Am I feeling sick?”). Hardly. Most likely, Tate will play quite frankly with a strange wit.
Will countries still vote only for their neighbors?
I hope less than usual due to pro-Ukrainian sentiment and a general sense of unity. However, geopolitics inevitably intervene in the struggle in the form of bloc voting. Follow the Slavic vote, the Scandinavian vote and the Francophone vote. Not to mention Greece and Cyprus, which always award each other the maximum 12 points. Expect ironic applause when they consistently do so.
The Eurovision Song Contest 2023 will be broadcast live on Saturday at 20:00 on BBC One and BBC iPlayer
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