Ben Stokes and Pat Cummins will no doubt have a beer at the end of the series, despite all the talk of a real needle between the two sides. : Stu Forster/Getty Images
You realize that a sporting event has been action-packed when it crosses Billy Joel's threshold, a moment where it can be summed up to the tune of We Didn't Start The Fire. This Ashes gave us at least a verse: “Declarations of nutcases, accusations of cheating/No cheaters, Chris Wookes/a bunch of damn good guys/Aussies show their pedigree until they get to Headingley, Kennedy! blown away!” etc.
Verses two through seventeen (this song is longer than you remember from your karaoke experience) can go beyond the sport. This Ashes is supported not only by exciting cricket, but also by interviews, newspapers and publicity stunts. Now this is the final war.
Both sides are mired in a debilitating loop of tit-for-tat exchanges. Stuart Broad, who has been the head winder so often, struck first in April, saying due to Covid's impact on the latest Ashes, “I wrote it off as a blank streak.” Edgbaston was the perfect trigger, then Lord, the dead end incident, and the subsequent walk through the Long Room of Shame/Guardian of Infamy.
Then the stage where Carlton & United Breweries put a case of English Bitters on a Qantas flight to England, and a Western Australian newspaper printed the word “Crybabies” on the front page under a picture of Ben Stokes in a diaper sucking on a pacifier (below).
It's definitely not me, since when did I start playing with a new ball https://t.co/24wI5GzohD
— Ben Stokes (@benstokes38) ) July 3, 2023
At times, both sides have been on the verge of genuine hostility, and of course there is no excuse for violent behavior. The United Nations is considering whether Australian commentators qualify a “six out of 214” score on English soil as a violation of the Geneva Convention. But overall, the series was boosted by the chatter around him.
This couldn't have happened if England and Australia weren't just as ridiculous. No other country engages in this level of jingoism under the guise of humor. It's hard to imagine that Le Crunch called out the cover of Figaro with Freddie Steward's face photoshopped as a newborn.
This does not mean doubting the bad feelings that Ash can cause. During a tense fight, even the calmest Aussie can get angry in less time than it takes to polish one side of a kookaburra. In Lord's, we saw the room of the elders, who should have known better, who booed something from the bottom of their hearts for the first time since the controversial introduction of LBW in 1774.
But the beatings are mutual, so they seem acceptable and, in a whisper, quite funny. This series writes new chapters in Ash's uplifting almanac of stupidity. Johnny Bairstow's butt on Cameron Bancroft was shown through a microphone in 2017, David Boone drank 52 cans while flying to the 1989 release, David Gower and John Morris' daytime outing on Tiger Moth. Teams full of imperfect heroes: Andrew Flintoff, Merv Hughes' mustache, and dearly departed Warney, some sort of Mickey-hosting deity.
Everyone plays in the genre of larks, which both peoples value almost as much as sports. England and Australia can be completely non-serious countries, steeped in the youthful humor of the tabloid tradition. You can either consider it very immature or strangely healthy. It's not about who wins, it's about the friends we've lost along the way to overly violent heists.
Scratch deeper and you'll wonder what's behind them. Australians' talk of “whining Spitz” masks their own thin skin, especially if Brod is the breeder. Our insecurities leave us stranded with the mindset of our 1990s probation team, always fearing the worst and yes, probably complaining more than we should.
And yet, despite all the malice and disturbing insecurities we know how it will end. . There were many reasons to lose faith in Bazball, but the least compelling thing Brandon McCallum said all summer came after Lord. “I can't imagine we'll be drinking beer with them anytime soon.”
Perhaps by “soon” he meant “tonight” because no one will stop the traditional truce in dressing room. drink in the Oval.
Hatred only exists because we really love each other.
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