Barry Keoghan in Saltburn Photo: LANDMARK MEDIA/Alamy Stock Photo
Every once in a blue moon at the Academy Awards. John Travolta misrepresents even a not particularly clever name. The wrong winner for Best Picture has been announced. Someone got hit hard. However, in general, a successful Oscar means a boring Oscar.
The usual formula will be followed this weekend at the Dolby Theater in Hollywood. It will feel like the red carpet arrival coverage will never end, or at least join the start of next year's ceremony. When it eventually stops, host Jimmy Kimmel, who will be safe, will make some gentle jokes about Barbenheimer and artificial intelligence and how movies are so long now, and don't worry, the bath water is drinkable…! And then the show will begin.
Cillian Murphy will win. Christopher Nolan will win. Robert Downey Jr. will win. In fact, as a rule, Oppenheimer will win. Yes'Vine Joy Randolph will also win. Emma Stone may win, but Lily Gladstone will probably win. Ryan Gosling is likely to steal the show, performing «I'm Just Ken» almost deadpan while Mark Ronson pretends to play bass. And I don't know how and I don't exactly know why, but Barry Keoghan will appear naked. These are the facts.
But when it's all said and done, when the stars go home with their £140,000 gift bags and we wake up on Monday morning to scroll through galleries, soak up lip-reading experiences and laugh at memes as much as we really what are we going to do? learned about cinema in 2023? It's been a great and interesting 12 months for cinema, but an argument could be made (which is what I'm making now) that the traditional Oscar formula could use some updating.
We could have better alternative awards that would better reflect the year on the big screen. There were hits, there were flops, there was sex, there were hats. There was sex in hats. Oh my god, there were so many hats. Why were there so many hats? Question for another time. But these are the awards. Alternative Oscar 2024 — the good thing is that it won't take four hours to determine the winners.
Weber Grill Award for Best Film, which your father-in-law thought should have won more instead of all this arthouse crap
It was a surprisingly successful year for dad movies, potentially rivaling 2019, when Hollywood responded to the film under title Little Women has achieved success with the films 1917, Ford v Ferrari, The Irishman, Jojo Rabbit and Joker for all the precious guys out there.
Every few months in 2023 there would be a new «The Boy» movie, full of testosterone, all sticky motor oil and smug genius. Ferrari is a nominee. Gran Turismo is right here. Oppenheimer, a film about brilliant people talking and a massive explosion coming too soon, would have won in almost any other year.
Vanessa Kirby and Joaquin Phoenix in Ridley Scott's Napoleon Photo: Aidan Monaghan
But the winner must be Ridley Scott's Napoleon. Combat strategies, random but not unpleasant sex scenes, accents that don't make sense in their setting, and a running time so long you could fall asleep at the Battle of Austerlitz and wake up before Waterloo. An almost perfect movie about dad. If only Napoleon drove a Porsche.
The «OK, Please Stop Now» Award — Please lay low for a while now that awards season is over
Barry Keoghan, this one's for you. Please rest.
Don't Worry Darling Award for Most Chaotic Press Tour
The Barbie campaign was fun, but considering it started with paparazzi shots on set in June 2022, it felt tedious by the end. However, special mention must be made of the commitment of Margot Robbie and Ryan Gosling. No two people are so attractive that they would ever need personality development, but they have captivated the world for months and months. Will Robbie suffer from PTSD every time she sees the color pink for years to come? Probably, but it was worth it.
No, despite the belated and largely metal splash of Dune: Part Two, which may be released next year, the winner is obviously Marvel's Madame Web, a film so bad that even its own star Dakota Johnson clearly thought it was complete nonsense, even when she was paid to sell it. As Ellen DeGeneres knows all too well, Johnson sometimes feels the urge to ignore all showbiz mores and say exactly what she thinks.
That was the case with Madame Web, a terrible film that Johnson had a terrible time making and couldn't be bothered to pretend otherwise. After the critical panning, she simply said the quiet part out loud.
«I'm not surprised it went the way it did,» she told Bustle. “I've never done anything like this before. I'll probably never do anything like that again because I have no purpose in this world. And I know it now. But sometimes in this industry you sign up for something and it's one thing, and then when you do it it becomes something completely different and you think, «Wait, what?» »
Timothée Chalamet Award “How did this guy suddenly appear in absolutely everything?” for instant ubiquitous distribution 
Jacob Elordi in Saltburn
Priscilla, Saltburn, «He Came This Way» and Jacob Elordi from «Sweet East», a tall and versatile sip of bath water, come down. Paul Mescal is always in the conversation, but due to his win in the other award below, he has ruled himself out. We'll next see Elordi in Guillermo Del Toro's Frankenstein, which seems fitting since Hollywood apparently created the monster. Here's a fun fact: Elordi isn't actually in Dune: Part Two. It just feels like it is there. This is the effect.
«Oh, you're screaming loud, it's just a bloody movie» award for craziest online discourse
For so long it seemed like it was all over Bradley Cooper's «Maestro», who managed to dominate the entertainment pages for months with a row over a prosthetic nose , despite the fact that Leonard Bernstein's own children thought everything was fine, and the nose in question was barely visible in the finished film, and Cooper looked so dejected and apologetic all year.
Then it looked like Barbie, a fundamentally light and charming movie about a toy, if it were sewn. Barbie didn't really require any more thought than «That was a really fun movie!», but it certainly didn't deserve an entire summer of internet debate about patriarchy, capitalism, and the feminist wave. When Matt Hancock created a parody video, Barbie mania died.
But the eventual winner was Saltburn, a watchable but rather tasteless satire that included Brideshead Revisited, the collected works of Patricia Highsmith, an undeniably excellent cast, Sophie Ellis-Bextor's second-best song, three vaguely crude scenes set up for made Gen Z sick and Hugh Grant's dance scene from Love Actually… and broke the Internet. Apparently it was a treatise on class in 21st century Britain or something? Come on.
In memory: Future Pointless Answer Award 
The Enemy: A science fiction romance starring Saoirse Ronan and Paul Mescal. Photo: Amazon Prime Video via hotspot
A very easy win for Enemy, a sci-fi romance starring two of the greatest young stars of their era, Irish Oscar nominee and generational icon Saoirse Ronan and Irish Oscar nominee and generational icon Paul Mescal. It was all on paper. Was the element of science fiction so powerful that it took place in another dimension where human memory cannot penetrate? This is the only explanation.
Change the Channel Award! for worst movie to watch with parents.
The eventual winner is “Poor Things,” the tawdry movie of the year. But the clear winner was again Saltburn, which not only contained plenty of sex scenes, but could also provoke an urgent tightening of wills the next morning.
2024 Special Award: Best Hat of the Year
What a year for hats on film. GQ insightfully called them «the best supporting actors of 2023.» (Hactor?) Oppenheimer, Wonka, Asteroid City, Barbie, Killers of the Flower Moon and obviously Napoleon… It all happened upstairs.
Robert De Niro (left) and Jesse Plemons in a scene from the film “Killers of the Flower Moon” Photo: Melinda Sue Gordon/Apple TV+ via AP
But is there a better hat than Jesse Plemons's in Killers of the Flower Moon? Answers on a postcard. It's just a hat, you know?
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