Of course there are real awards in football. The teams with the most so-called «points» win the trophy, the managers who manage to play more than four decent games get the sacred purple bottles of aftershave, and Erling Haaland wins the golden boots for the rest of eternity.
But behind the meat of any season is a glorious chaff that adds color to all the dull superiority and dubious source of funding.
So let's forget about the real winners and losers and mark the backstory of this Premier League season with a series of very prestigious and completely fictional awards.
Watford FC award for the most forgetful Iberian coach
A healthy field this year, with an outbreak of even hotter places than usual and a bunch of teams merging into an amorphous gel:
Bronze: Bruno Lage
after all, I managed the Wolves for over a year, but if you think you can remember the missing name on the list between Julen Lopetegui and Nuno Espirito Santo in 10 years, then you are more Bull than Steve. .
Silver: Javi Gracia
Actually managed Watford, so it immediately becomes blurry around the edges. Just conceded a lorra-lorra goal for the unforgettable Leeds side.
Gold: Ruben Selles
This is the age of a capable, respectful but taciturn manager from Europe's beloved peninsula. and Southampton's version offered nothing more than a standard smart sweatshirt and a vague sense that he probably cares deeply about pressing.
August Gloop's award for a total lack of restraint
Nottingham Forest in the transfer market.
Telescopic effect award for a moment that somehow happened this year
Turbo alpha handshake between Antonio Conte and Thomas Tuchel on the touchline at Stamford Bridge. If you include Spurs interim and interim executives, that was five managers ago, so it seems like they came from a different era. It happened in August. Stupid World Cup break.
Tension between Thomas Tuchel and Antonio Conte escalated after a dramatic 2-2 draw between Chelsea and Tottenham. 👀pic.twitter.com/qmKs1cUfpk
— Sky Sports News (@SkySportsNews) August 14, 2022 Kim Kardashian Award for Most Overexposed Expert
Gary Neville had a revelation when he arrived at the Sky Sports studio. That was 12 years ago, and like most football experts who have been doing this job for over a decade, Neville had his say. Not that that's stopping his multi-platform offensive, which reached strange new territory last week with news that he considers what most of us would call a holiday, a «mini-retirement»
Absolutely dying for this clip where Gary Neville seems to have discovered what a holiday is pic.twitter.com/BnELj9p6iP
— Ben Kelly (@bkelly776) May 23, 2023 .
A sure sign that we've reached Neville's peak is when we also know his deepest thoughts on potatoes: «Mashed potatoes, jacket potatoes, boiled potatoes, dauphinoise potatoes, parmentier potatoes. All these things they do to potatoes… just chop them up and fry them and stop putting truffle and oregano on them and all that salt and pepper and shit.»
The Michael Fish Award for Worst Prediction
Everyone said the Spurs would be good this season. Some even expected them to fight for the title. Was this writer among those fascinated by the combination of Antonio Conte, Harry Kane, and the supposedly exciting signing of Richarlison? Who can say… No, don't look at the pre-season predictions on Telegraph Sport. You are wasting your time.
Rio Ferdinand Award for Most Successful Prank
Joachim Andersen goaded Darwin Nunez until he headbutted him at Anfield in August.
Darwin Nunez (left) fell for Crystal Palace's Joachim Andersen. David Bowie Award for Best Reinvention
Bronze: Jason Steele
Previously best known for his successive league relegations with Blackburn Rovers and Sunderland, now the all-singing, all-around and best goalkeeper in the bizarre world we live in, in which Brighton have succeeded. European football.
Silver: John Stones
Often questioned, sometimes ridiculed, despite being a talented centre-back. Now he plays a complex hybrid role and is an important cog in one of the most impressive teams the league has ever seen. The real feeling is that Pep Guardiola is just showing off right now.
Gold: Joelinton
There is no better testament to Eddie Howe's genius than the successful transformation of striker Jolinton into a full-fledged midfielder. A touching story about what can be done for a bargain price of £40 million.
Keanu Reeves Award for Best Bullet Evasion
Jury duty prevented Sammy Lee from joining Sam Allardyce's latest trip to Leeds.
p>Garden Bridge Award for Most Questionable Use of Funds
Leeds United spent £35m to poach Georginio Rutter from Hoffenheim in the hope that he would make their centre-forward position his own. Instead, the role he played most often was an unused stand-in. He was called up on the last day and made an assist. It's not much fun when your team just lost 4-1 at home to be relegated.
Georginio Rutter has made minimal impact on Leeds since arriving in January. Photo: Getty Images/Gareth Copley 2017 Oscars in La La Land for Premature Celebration
Richarlison took off his jersey to celebrate the goals Var had canceled twice this season. Of course, this violation carries an automatic warning, meaning that Richarlison ended the season with more yellow cards for celebrating missed goals (two) than for Premier League goals (one).
The battle between Richarlison and Var has become a regular this season Photo: Getty Images/Rob Newell Prince Andrew and Emily Maitlis award for reputational damage
Frank Lampard a season as Everton manager to build around himself after helping to keep the club from relegation. He ended up with people spelling his last name with LVL 17, because of the number of defeats he had in charge of Everton and then crushed Chelsea. Genuine intrigue about his next job.
Krusty the Clown Award for Least Persuasive Celebrity Support
«This morning is going to be one of my favorites… This is one of the best spice markets I've ever been to »
David Beckham in a commercial encouraging people to visit Qatar. The world is waiting for his final top 10.
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