'I don't know when. But I feel good' Mark Cavendish talks about his return to racing after his accident at the Tour de France. Photo: Getty Images/Alex Broadway
An obsessive sense of accomplishment hung over Mark Cavendish's departure from the Tour de France as he left the peloton outside of Limoges with his collarbone broken and his plans for a record-breaking stage 35 victory dashed, perhaps forever. Except that with this endlessly complex character, little is as clear-cut as it seems. Three weeks after the crash, his healing has progressed to the point where he can contemplate getting back into the saddle. Can we see him racing again this year? “I thought so, yes,” he chuckles. «I do not know when. But I feel good.”
He already had classes on a stationary bike with his five-year-old son Kasper. I have an appointment with his surgeon next week. The nagging question is whether he can be persuaded to take the final shot next summer, when he is 39, and break the tie with Eddy Merckx to become the Tour's most decorated stage winner. His Astana-Kazakhstan team offered him an extension, but Cavendish is prudent in his commitments. He eventually gave a tearful press conference in May, accompanied by his family, declaring that this would be his last season as a professional cyclist. Since his wife, Peta, has been sitting just a few feet away from him throughout this interview, he is wary of giving any hint that he is going to torture her again.
Cavendish announced his retirement earlier this year. Photo: AP/Antonio Calanni
His last week had been emotionally exhausting. This week, he watched the premiere of a Netflix documentary chronicling his journey through the Epstein-Barr virus (EBV) maelstrom and a clinical depression so severe that his doctors feared he might harm himself or worse. By now we know the ordeal had a happy ending: his quartet of stage triumphs in 2021 put him on par with Merckx, but the film still causes bruises when Cavendish unleashes feelings of «worthlessness» at its lowest, and Peta confessing that she felt powerless to help.
«I thought depression was an excuse»
«You don't really realize what happens to the people around you when you suffer,» says Cavendish, who admits that living with him can be a nightmare. “You are empty. You don't even realize how it affects you. But I learned something from the movie from Peta's point of view. What hurt her hurt her the most.”
Peta, a former glamor model, married the man who became the greatest cycling sprinter 10 years ago. The past decade has seen the birth of four children and many memorable sporting moments, from four consecutive victories on the Champs-Elysées to a crowning glory in Rome during this year's farewell to the Giro d'Italia. But the film also illustrates deep despondency, not least when Peta called Dr. Helge Riepenhof, a rehabilitation specialist from Hamburg, horrified by her husband's mental breakdown, lamenting, «I don't know where he's gone. .
Cavendish took another Grand Tour stage win in Rome earlier this year. Photo: Getty Images/Stuart Franklin
Cavendish pauses for a long time before turning to this episode, weighing carefully any words about depression. “I have never been a true believer,” he says. “I thought it was an excuse to shrug it off. When people said they suffered, I never understood how. This is the loneliness you are in. This can lead to all sorts of thoughts. It doesn't matter where you are in your life, what your profession is, or what your background is. It's about a chemical imbalance and people can relate to that. You may feel so alone, but if you speak up, you will be surprised how much you have in common.”
He recalls during his most traumatic period in 2018 and 2019, when the VEB drained him of all his energy , he thought about leaving the sport altogether. Dr. Riepenhof admits that concerns for his well-being were serious: “Mark and I made a deal. I said, «Before you do anything to yourself, call me.»
“I want people to understand that there is a ladder in the middle of this downward spiral,” Cavendish explains. “And you can climb that ladder and climb up. You just need to keep good people around you, people who show interest in you.»
«I'm not going to hold a grudge»
There is a caution here about overly sentimental tone. “There are those who are in a much worse situation than me,” he says. “I don't feel sorry for myself. I am very lucky to have such a life. With the film, we want to show how depression can affect anyone in the world. Although I wouldn't wish it on anyone, now I can understand it. Would it be better if I never suffered? Certainly. But I'm happy that I can understand.»
The coverage of his psychological torment is far from the only thread of Cavendish's on-screen confession. There's also a definite account, especially when it comes to Doug Ryder, the former South African cyclist who didn't select him for the Dimension Data team at the 2018 Tour de France. «Who is Mark Cavendish?» he asks Siri, Apple's digital assistant, getting a long and detailed response. «Who is Doug Ryder?» he adds, only to hear — to his great satisfaction — nothing in return.
When asked about what happened to this relationship, he answers endlessly. Peta nervously clears his throat in the background. «I'm not going to hold a grudge,» he finally says. “I am lucky that I can move forward and win. If you start looking back negatively, it will lead nowhere.”
He points out that the film, subtitled Never Enough, is best understood as a search for an identity beyond his status as an incomparable sprinter. “You will learn what is important. Winning bike races is my job and I love it, don't get me wrong. But it's still my job. My goal right now is to be a husband and father above all else.»
Cavendish holds the joint record for most stage wins in the Tour de France. Photo: Getty Images/Pascal Pavani
Cavendish, as an athlete, is fraught with such a militant streak that he has long drawn motivation, proving his detractors wrong. There was no shortage of disparaging pundits over his 2021 comeback, with the disgraced Lance Armstrong claiming on his podcast that he had no hope of capturing even one stage, let alone four. How much happiness did he derive from the fact that he disproved these predictions?
“Not nearly as much as before. At some point it really became the driving force behind what I did. But now, to be honest, it's not like that.”
“You were sure of yourself,” Peta tells him. «You always knew.»
«Yes, I thought that while I was doing the work that I knew I needed to do, I could not do more.»
>What Cavendish needs to decide in the coming months is whether he has enough reserves to carry on with an ending far more cathartic than his crash on that unnamed stretch of road in southwestern France. If you listen to him carefully, you will have no doubt that he is tempted. “I was in good shape,” he says. “And it was just an accident. So, you must remain pragmatic. The challenge is to get the bike fixed as soon as possible and race again.” Despite dedicating his life story to the film, often in great detail, he is adamant that there is still one more chapter to write.
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