'We're too old for this now': James May in The Grand Tour credits : Jeff Pugh
Breakfast in a greasy cafe in west London and James May orders bacon, egg and chips.
«Do you want me to order some chips for you?» he asks. I politely decline. He sighs with audible Weltschmerz. You say you don't, but you secretly do. So instead of getting what's yours, you're stealing mine. I own half a pub and I'm about to introduce mini portions on a menu called For Her. I'm not sexist, I just know how women work.»
Wow. There's a lot to unpack. To be honest, if those sentiments were voiced by his fellow Grand Tourer and lifelong vociferous adversary Jeremy Clarkson, I'd pour ketchup on him faster than you can yell «poisonous manhood!» His other friend Richard Hammond would also have been shot. Instead, I find myself nodding dejectedly at the soft May's «irrefutable truth» and, yes, treating myself to a crunchy spit or two off his plate.
I can't confirm if Mr. Slow, as his co-hosts have dubbed him, really understands the workings of the female mind, but he makes for friendly company. We're supposedly here to talk about his first new factual children's book. It's called Wonder Vehicles and is part of the popular sci-fi series Little Experts. Other notable contributors include Dragons' Den host Deborah Meaden in Why Money Matters.
It is well written and beautifully illustrated. But before the conversation turns to that road, May makes it clear he's driving and riding a scenic route through his half-pub (The Royal Oak, Swallowcliffe near Salisbury in Wiltshire), bikes, downsizing his car. collection, death and later joys of craftsmanship. Death rates are high everywhere thanks to a recent birthday.
James May outside his pub The Royal Oak. Photo: Twitter“I turned 60 this year,” he says with performative (or perhaps genuine) sullenness. “I remember my parents getting old and reaching a stage where their world was so narrowed down that the only thing they really thought about or cared about was their next meal. It will be me any day.
“This is already happening. I have everything to «carry», and I generally like being at home and messing around. I always assumed that by now I was already dead and that it would happen instantly, except for a few seconds of frightened screams as I fall off a cliff at high speed. But here I am, slowly falling apart like everyone else.”
On a positive note, he has developed a passion for woodwork and continues to describe (in great detail) the various pieces of furniture he has made. He seems to be particularly fond of his tulip oak garden bench. I suppose it's fine for morning coffee in good weather?
«Weather? I don't take it outside — I won't even let anyone sit on it, so there's no way I'm going to let it rain on it.» I think that's why Clarkson and Hammond also call him Mr. OCD.
«Jeremy is an ass. Like Hammond in a different way, but the dynamics of the arguments, the idleness, the three in the crowd, the conformity to every stereotype makes it a great TV show. Is The Grand Tour a car show? This is not the show to go to if you want to buy a new school estate. I see it as more of a fusion between a sitcom and a Greek tragedy.
Telly, of course, is something I really want to talk about, and especially whether their long-standing feud ended with Clarkson's vicious rant against Meghan Markle in a newspaper column last December, which caused an uproar and prompted him to apologize. long-term relationship with Amazon Prime? Although not confirmed, there were rumors that Clarkson was persona non grata and would be fired after his contract expired.
“We subscribed to a certain number of shares, and we do those,” May says, not even trying to answer the question. “Honestly, I don’t know what will happen next, because no one tells me. It doesn't look like a broadcast TV schedule. Amazon can just release a special offer whenever it wants.”
Cool Clarkson has a shape; after all, he did it for their Top Gear board in 2015 when he was fired by the BBC after a physical «fight» with a producer. May later expressed regret that he didn't step in to defuse the situation, but he's not the type to lose sleep over anything.
Gasoline heads: Richard Hammond and Jeremy Clarkson with May in 2009. Photo: Julien Bechal/PA
“No one was canceled or burned at the stake,” he says. “The truth is that we are already too old for all this. Jeremy is 63 years old, Hammond is 53 years old. One day we will have to stop, and, by my calculations, this terrible day is almost here. Before succinctly adding, «I'm not sure why we're still talking about Jeremy — do you think I'm nothing without him?» Oops, bad.
If May gives the impression that he doesn't care what happens to the unholy trio, it's not just because he intends to make them decrepit. He also has a couple of solo jobs and they do it very well. Both work with Amazon: his ongoing travel show James May: Our Man in… and the straight forward, back-to-basics James May: Oh Cook! is in its second season.
So far, those however, he promotes Marvelous Vehicles. This is not his first book — he has more than a dozen under his belt — but writing for children (6-9 years old) is new.
“My partner [American writer and critic Sara Frater] and I have no children — it just never happened — but I clearly remember what book I wanted to read when I was a kid. That's it.
“The reason we're talking about human-powered vehicles is because all the basic physics can be understood by studying a bicycle. This is the best invention in history, maybe even better than alcohol, maybe not. In any case, I am very pleased with the result. It's like a storehouse of useful knowledge.»
As for his own Aladdin's cave — supercars, motorcycles and bicycles — May intends to start laying off staff.
Or so he claims. At the very least, he admits, a 60-year-old man doesn't really need to own a beach buggy, a Fiat Panda, an orange Ferrari («it doesn't make sense to have a discreet color»), a Porsche, an Alpine Toyota, a Tesla. and two Land Rovers.
He even mumbles that eight bikes is probably six too many and insists the only reason he has 20 bikes is because he loves them fix them — and when they're fixed, he feels too attached to move them, so instead he keeps them in a «shelter» in his garage.
'Bicycles are the best invention ever, maybe even better than alcohol': James May Credit & Copyright: Jeff Pugh
«I'm definitely going to get rid of some cars because I'm old,» he says. “It’s time to clean up and simplify my life, which is strange, because a couple of months ago I was only 35 years old. I've done a huge amount of stuff and had more than enough excitement to last into a ripe old age, and in terms of heritage, I don't care if anyone remembers me, James May, or not.
» But I would like to do something useful and set up an arts or crafts scholarship or some sort of trust to invest in woodworking or metalworking skills that we risk losing.»
Really, that the dizzying pleasure May once took from his orange Ferrari can now be found in handcrafting his own easel or building a kitchen towel rack? His journey as a car enthusiast turned chippie is no more incredible than Jeremy Clarkson's transformation into a gentleman farmer.
There's probably even an Amazon ready audience for James May and his lathe: slow TV with Mr. Slow like this was. The question is whether he can let someone sit on his bench. Honestly, I have my doubts.
Wonderful cars will be published by Red Shed on July 6
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